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The tale of the fundaMentals, or The 'Mentals to be brief
Began in mythic legend and will end to much relief
Danger Dan and Billy!!! met in a graveyard late at night
And they knew when they first spoke that neither was quite right
Billy!!! was a drummer, and Dan played lead guitar
And both believed that rock and roll was needing C.P.R.
"We need to start a garage band!" Danger Dan exclaimed
Billy!!! agreed completely, which just proved that he's insane
They stuck it out together, an unlikely pair it seems
One had monkeys in his attic, one a Nature Boy supreme
They spent years a-searching for the right men for this crew
To carry out these rock and roll feats of derring-do
Til one night at the crossroads, The Icon did appear
Running from his psycho ex with nothing but his gear
He played guitar and sang if you can really call it such
His ego was astounding, his talent not so much
Danger Dan approached him with Billy!!! at his side
He put out his hand and said "Let's take this nationwide!"
The Icon looked them over, and thought it a bit queer
That the drummer wore a pirate hat and his drumsticks smelled like beer
But The Icon spoke these words, and the world shall not forget it
"Okay you can count me in, though I'm sure I'll regret it"
The search was on for thunder, a man who played the bass
Many came and went but no one really rocked the place
Mad Bomber stepped into their view as the lightning flashed
Some 'Mentals were impressed by him, and some were merely trashed
He said "I'll play the bass for you, you'll feel me shake the floor
But you don't want to tick me off, I've blown shit up before"
They moved to Billy!!!'s living room, none could afford garages
Readying to tour the world's bars and Mason Lodges
Then Big Hoss appeared one night , blocking light in all the room
"I want to join a rockin’ band but I'll settle for you goons"
He brought style to the 'Mentals, his keyboards brought some class
And if he hadn't been so big he would have been out on his ass
For The 'Mentals weren't classy, and their aim was far from true
But Hoss was in the building, wasn't diddley they could do
They worked hard on rocking, rising at the crack of noon
They showed how to go from music buff to straight buffoon
The people celebrated them, in toast they raised their cups
“Those ‘Mentals kept on rockin’ right until the cops showed up!”
They rocked bars and barmitzvahs, festivals and halls
Some bands had more talent but none had bigger balls
They played it loud and sloppy, they always walked the walk
They would have been much better off if they just didn’t talk
Then Billy!!! left the band and the faithful they did wail
The band said "Whatcha bitchin' 'bout? We're glad he's not in jail"
The search began for drummers to fill this massive gap
To find the man to keep them from becoming Spinal Tap
Danger Dan, he hugged a tree, The Icon looked askance
The Mad Bomber blew shit up and Big Hoss dropped his pants
They searched the whole world over, they looked cradle to grave
Then a little hairy dude wandered from a cave
He said "They call me Caveman, I sing and play the drums
And I don't have enough sense not to join up with you bums"
The band was back in business and the faithful did rejoice
They hijacked a friends garage and started making 'Mental noise
But the cops came and took Caveman, and again the faithful wailed
The band said "Whatcha bitchin' 'bout? At least he's not... never mind"
The band was getting cranky, they were tiring of this crap
They were starting to go through drummers as fast as Spinal Tap
Then from the shores of Jersey The Hammer did appear
He sure wasn't a guido but they still thought he was weird
Born to be a 'Mental, normal not among his tricks
He thought the band was private eyes, saying "What a bunch of Dicks"
But he said I'll join this outfit, though I don't know what I'm thinking
Maybe it will seem like a good idea if I do a lot more drinking
With the Hammer in the fold, the band was sounding tight
He said "You guys can really rock, even though you're not too bright"
The fundaMentals were back once more, and the faithful stood and cheered
"We love you bastards, though you sound best under the influence of beer!"
Schlock rock legends of the fall, the 'Mentals took the stage
And no one needed ID to see if they were underage
Then the Bomber left the 'Mentals to follow his own track
Most impressive was he left with all his digits still intact
The faithful wailed but the band sat back and said "No worries, dudes
We're like roaches, we'll survive through pestilence and nukes"
Then Chaz came to the door one night, bass guitar in hand
Not there to audition, he just asked to use the can
They asked him to sit in and jam on just a couple songs
He said "I'm too smart to join you guys" ... Turns out that he was wrong
Back to their full complement, obviously no mirage
They readied to unleash their next Barrage from the Garage
They planned the "Road To Rehab Tour", to play bars and petting zoos
Cuz no one else can rock the way The fundaMentals do
The first album "Get Off Our Lawn!" received stellar reviews
"Full 'Mental Jacket" kept up the roll for your favorite 'Mental dudes
The single "Locked and Loaded" kept the rockin' good times flyin'
Though we couldn't get you cheap mofos to go online and buy it
But all good things must end, they say, and so it came to pass
That Big Hoss left the 'Mentals with a foot stuck in his ass
The Hammer left for Cali, The Icon went back to Don
Chas quit to play in bar bands and the band was all but gone
It was looking bleak for our heroes and their brains were kinda fried
But there's no quit in this dog, just needing 2 more squirrelly guys
They brought in Glyn to pound the drums
And Carlton to rock the bass
The music went to another level
With no improvement in the face
They lived the spirit of rock and roll and that cannot be bought
Please if you would be so kind, keep the ‘Mentals in your thoughts
For the Devil doesn’t want them, and they’ll never get to Heaven
Doomed to rock the Earth alone with their amps turned to 11.